I have gotten real comfortable going to 9:30 Mass in my living room. You don’t have to wear slacks and hard shoes at “Our Lady of The Couch Cushions” and nobody shoots you a stink eye when you reply, “and also with you!”
Yesterday I had everyone fed and quiet for the WGN mass from “Mercy Home for Boys and Girls.”
Hazel was laying next to me on the couch…. I mean sitting in the pew next to the television.
Fritz was finishing his pancakes at the dining room table and George was in his room hacking into Stanford.
The lady started the first reading and suddenly Fritz and George want to talk about some computer game they have been playing.
I missed the first reading… I couldn’t hear the second reading and now Father Malave is getting ready for the Gospel.
“You two clowns! Shut your mouths and sit down!”
All three Shepkids are now attending mass on the couch cushions and listening to the Gospel reading.
This is the story that Doubting Thomas doesn’t believe Jesus has returned. Jesus appears and tells Thomas to stick his fingers through the holes left in his hands from the nails that held him to the cross. Then the hole in his side left by a Roman sword.
“Dad? How did….”
“Jesus had holes in his hands?”
“Dad, Jesus can walk through locked doors?”
“Be Quiet and Listen to the Homily!”
I got the stink eye from the boys and Hazel rolled her eyes! I think I actually told them to listen to the F’ing Homily…
Father Jason talked about how we are God’s children and Jesus is our brother.
“Dad, is Jesus English or German?”
“Is Jesus your brother and our Uncle or….?”
“QUIET!!!!”
Father started talking about the Holy Spirit and now I’m ready to get peppered with ghost questions.
The Shepkids are learning that we received seven gifts from the Holy Spirit.
Wisdom, knowledge, counsel, fortitude, understanding, piety and FEAR OF THE LORD!
The last one is basically Catholic guilt passed along from our Jewish stepbrothers…. The famous Old Testament Jewish guilt.
The homily ended and so have all the questions. Fritz went to put his dishes away and disappeared into his room. Hazel went potty and George left to continue hacking into higher education.
I’m left alone to celebrate the Eucharist with the WGN community.
I don’t think I’ll ever go to mass in a church again. I like my parish and the dress code. I like having a cup of coffee with my Lamb of God.
Covid has shown me the bartender at my house is a talented mixologist. The drinks are cheap.
Covid has shown me that I make a pizza just as good as any pizza joint in the neighborhood and I don’t have to wait 90 minutes for delivery.
Covid has also shown me that Jesus doesn’t care if I go to mass at Saint Cletus or if I stay home.
Just shut up and listen to the Gospel reading and the Homily!!!
