Today’s quote reminds me of those memes that tell you to dance like nobody is watching and sing like nobody is listening.
I’ve been doing that for years!
What I’ve picked up lately is talking to myself. It is easy to pull off nowadays because everyone is talking on their earbuds. So, when I’m talking to myself, people think I’m on the phone.
The other day I got into an elevator right behind a couple millennial kids. Maybe they were the next generation, I don’t know what the hell that one is called, Generation Zevon or Zero.
Two girls and a guy with dumbfounded looks on their faces.
I stepped on the elevator and scooted to the back corner.
I started telling myself out loud, “We were done making love and man did I have to fart really bad.”
The guy looked my way and then quickly made eye contact with the little elevator television that was flashing hockey scores and temperatures from across the country.
The two girls looked at each other nervously and immediately joined their guy friend in watching highlights of the Winnipeg Jets game.
Then I told myself, “I’m lying next to this lady, I think her name was Katarina or maybe Katalina, something Russian…
…she asked me ‘what are you thinking about Big Boy?’ and I replied simply, pizza puff.”
At this point I need to finish talking to myself before these kids get off the elevator.
I quickly mutter…
“I’m thinking about putting a couple pizza puffs in the toaster oven. Do you want one?”
As I’m asking myself if the Russian lady wants to have a pizza puff after having sex, the doors open and the kids born during the Clinton Administration debark the elevator.
Just as the doors close, I can hear the one girl say to her friends, “I really like pizza puffs!”
Do you see what I did here? I taught these kids a lesson. If you are getting some strange love and you need to fart, go make a pizza puff.
Women love pizza puffs and it gives you a chance to sneak out onto the balcony and lay out a fart. Just make sure your neighbor isn’t down on the sidewalk walking her dog.
Though… that is where I also learned a lesson. Not only can I talk to myself at my age and not give two shits, but I can fart in public and just smile and wave.
The numbers in the Grabber Section?
The number of days since January 1st 2000 and the amount of days until January 1st, 2050. We are closer to 2050 than we are to 2000.
It’s Humpday…
…Go dance, sing, fart or eat a pizza puff. Just find joy in what you do.
And no, I didn’t pick up a former KGB agent, but I did put a pizza puff in the air fryer!
