I lived one hundred and seventy eight miles away from my father during junior and senior high school. He lived in Oak Park and I lived in Indianapolis with my mom.
This was the late seventies into the early eighties. There wasn’t email, cell phones, GPS or the internet. However my dad knew every move that I made…. 178 miles away.
Whatever stupid thing I did, my dad knew and he usually knew before my mom.
“You have got to be shitting me Moose!!!”
My dad was a Chicago Cardinals fan growing up. He hated Oldman Halas, hated the Bears. He loved the underdog or the teams that nobody else followed. In baseball as a little boy he was a Saint Louis Browns fan and in football, the Chicago Cardinals.
By the 1970’s the Cardinals had been long gone from the Southside of Chicago. They played in Saint Louis, but that didn’t stop my dad from being a Cardinal fan.
They had an offensive lineman named Conrad Dobler. He was a mean and dirty football player.
My dad loved him. He left everything he had on the gridiron. Even spit…. Spit he left on opponent’s faces.
Conrad Dobler had a skill of pissing off his foe. When the defender retaliated he would get the penalty flag and Dobler would walk back to his huddle chuckling.
My dad had this saying, “You just got Dobler’d!”
Meaning….. every time I pulled a stupid stunt I would be the only one who got caught.
So whenever I did something really brainless I’d get the telephone phone call from…. “Your father is on the phone John Stephen.”
First, when my mom used my middle name…. I was fucked!
Second, I was going to get yelled at from 178 miles away…
“You have got to be shitting me son! What the hell were you thinking?…..and you got Conrad Dobler’d!!!!!”
What does this mean? What is my dad talking about? Dobler’d? How does my dad know about the latest stunt that I pulled….. 178 miles away?
Towards the end of my dad’s life I asked him how he knew everything going on down in Indianapolis.
“Moose…. I had the internet before the internet had the internet!!!”
Today, I have the internet and I know all the moves my children make, but it still isn’t as impressive.
Earlier this week Conrad Dobler passed away. Not much fanfare for a troublemaker that played for a mediocre football team. He did make some of those awesome “Miller Lite” commercials with John Madden and Mean Joe Greene after his football career.
I’m sure my dad will find Conrad Dobler next week. He will give him a few days to acclimate to heaven before they go to the diner.
Just remember, if you’re going to do something stupid…. Have an escape plan and don’t get Dobler’d!
