"Our pain shapes us; erase it, and we
erase part of ourselves."
I read that quote this morning and, if I am
being honest, I felt pretty lucky.
I have walked this earth for sixty years and,
compared to many people, I have never had to weather a truly devastating storm.
Now, saying that out loud probably guarantees a shit show is heading my way,
but it is still the truth.
My parents divorced when I was a kid. It
hurt, but life kept moving. Years later they both died, which is what parents
are supposed to do. As much as I miss them, I was fortunate. They passed away
in beds and not in a tragic accident or in a lonely house.
There
was a stretch when I was unemployed between the bond room and moving into the
grain room. At the time it felt like a disaster. Looking back, it reinvented my
career. I found a place in the grain business and somehow outlasted the trading
floor itself.
My
marriage ended in divorce. That hurt too, but just like my parents unknowingly
taught me, life keeps going. Eventually the divorce papers end up in a paper
shredder, and what is left are the lessons.
My
children give me something to worry about every day. That is part of being a
parent. As they grow older, more of life's weight shifts onto their shoulders
and a little less stay on mine. My job now is to trust that I prepared them
well enough to carry whatever comes next.
When I look back over these first sixty years, I know I've been spared
many of the tragedies that visit other families. I haven't watched a hurricane,
wildfire or flood take away everything I owned. I haven't endured many
tragedies that millions of people quietly live through every day.
The truth is, most of the pain
I have carried came from the assclown who stares back at me in the bathroom
mirror. Bad decisions, poor judgment and a hard head. Most of my scars were
self-inflicted, and they taught me lessons no one else could have.
Maybe that is why this
morning's quote struck a chord. I don't want to erase those scars. They remind
me who I was and what I have become.
My goal for these last
twenty years or so isn't to avoid pain. Life doesn't make that bargain with
anyone. My goal is to stop manufacturing pain.
I can't control illness, loss or bad luck,
but I can control the decisions I make. I can be a better father, a better
friend and a better man than I was yesterday.
I don't want to spend the rest
of my life earning new scars that don't need to be there
Instead…
I want to hold the door open for a
stranger. I want to hand an Old Style to a dear friend. I want to tell someone Casablanca is my favorite movie and watch
them discover it for the first time. I want someone to tell me my prayers
helped. I want to have jumper cables in my trunk just in case someone needs a
jump.
Those aren't remarkable accomplishments. They are just small ways to
leave people with a little less pain than they had before we crossed paths.
And I want to make sure you
Chalkheads always know where the sun is...
...and that gusto and
astonishment are always there for the taking.
